Comments on: Tips on Buying Art for a Friend http://www.rmwico.org/tips-on-buying-art-for-a-friend/ Wed, 01 Feb 2012 15:06:30 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: Young Black Smart http://www.rmwico.org/tips-on-buying-art-for-a-friend/comment-page-1/#comment-211 Young Black Smart Sun, 10 Jan 2010 10:57:32 +0000 http://www.rmwico.org/tips-on-buying-art-for-a-friend/#comment-211 D or so at this time but can be improved: I think you are trying to stuff too many things into the essay so it doesn't flow very well. Maybe do an outline on what you want to say first. It should flow but right now I can't figure out what one paragraph has to do with the other let alone within each paragraph. For example, your fist paragraph starts about teaching people how to make money then you talk about Bill Gates and Shawn Carter dropping out of school, then other stuff. Instead of doing a business 101 in an essay, pick the part you can elaborate on more. What stands out most when reading is creating a business out of an idea. Use that but stick to the subject without going off on other things or it sounds a bit "flighty". You need to make sure you have a period after each complete sentence. You are missing a bunch of comma's. Leave out personal opinions like "that disgusts me" and unproven accusations. FYI: The cliche "Good things happened to those that wait" is a reference to patience - not sitting and doing nothing. I think you can turn this into an A or B paper if you do an outline first, don't try to cover too many things in a short essay, make your story connect from one point to the next, and stay focused on your topic. The point you keep coming back to is taking and idea or dream and make a business out of it. Stick to those examples because the other examples don't hit that message. D or so at this time but can be improved:
I think you are trying to stuff too many things into the essay so it doesn't flow very well. Maybe do an outline on what you want to say first. It should flow but right now I can't figure out what one paragraph has to do with the other let alone within each paragraph. For example, your fist paragraph starts about teaching people how to make money then you talk about Bill Gates and Shawn Carter dropping out of school, then other stuff.
Instead of doing a business 101 in an essay, pick the part you can elaborate on more. What stands out most when reading is creating a business out of an idea. Use that but stick to the subject without going off on other things or it sounds a bit "flighty".

You need to make sure you have a period after each complete sentence. You are missing a bunch of comma's.

Leave out personal opinions like "that disgusts me" and unproven accusations.

FYI: The cliche "Good things happened to those that wait" is a reference to patience – not sitting and doing nothing.

I think you can turn this into an A or B paper if you do an outline first, don't try to cover too many things in a short essay, make your story connect from one point to the next, and stay focused on your topic. The point you keep coming back to is taking and idea or dream and make a business out of it. Stick to those examples because the other examples don't hit that message.

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